Big Hair
But Trish does have hair to style, only it’s on a real-hair wig that she wants curled. She bought it for the first cancer and it’s the only one she kept. Real hair is damn expensive, but it can be styled. And since you don’t wash wigs, curls don’t come out. So it’s worth the effort.
But it’s a LOT of effort. Sonja and another stylist take turns for two hours with curling irons, twisting and heating the mop of real hair into shape. When done, it’s some seriously big hair. Trish looks like a hair-metal groupie for the ride home.
Date night with the hair
The girls go with our neighbors on a camping trip and Trish and I go see Axis dance company Saturday evening. They are a San Francisco group that includes handicapped dancers. The way the partially paralyzed, wheelchair dancers integrate with the rest is pretty amazing. I can’t help but admire their courage. Don’t they know they can’t do that?
We have drinks at the W, hoping for a spot at POV for the unparalleled rooftop view of DC, but it’s Saturday and we have no reservation. So we hang out downstairs. Trish talks at length about the performance. She was moved and inspired too. Dinner at Vidalia was just ok. We won’t go back. We had fun though.
Caring for the care-giver
Care-giving, done well, is stressful. I can’t lie about that. There are a dozen medical things to handle every day. I’m trying hard to keep Trish’s mind off the cancer and remind her how much I love and adore her with activities and surprises. The kids are scared too, and deserve extra attention. Friends and family worry, and frequently need reassurance.
After the death of my long time (15-year) therapist last winter, I’ve been afraid of starting over. But I made myself find a new one and have been going to her regularly. She suggested some anti-anxiety meds, which make sense. I took them years ago when I had trouble and they helped me then.
Most of all I stay away from drugs and drink. I celebrated 13 years of sobriety this week. I know I wouldn’t have any of this if I was high.
A vicious fight? Why?
I know it’s really hard for Trish to be the cancer patient. She has a difficult time accepting that her capacity is limited. And she hates needing to heavily rely on anyone, even her loving husband. It makes her angry and scared.
For my part, I’m running on empty a lot lately. I easily feel under-appreciated. And I over-react, which makes fights worse.
I feel like cancer won today. We were tricked. Fuck you cancer. You’re a clever little bitch.
Trish and I slowly worked it out, apologized, and forgave each other. Neither of us hold resentments. We’ve never gone to sleep angry with each other, and we aren’t going to start that tonight. We’ll be fine because we love each other so much. But we did some damage that will take time to repair.
I’ll list out the 5 new surprises from this week and play ‘Gotten’ one last time before bed. It’ll probably make me tear-up again.
I’ve been saving these last words for one last miracle
But now I’m not sure
I can’t save you if you don’t let me
You just get me like I’ve never been gotten before…
-Slash
101 summer surprises
27) Axis dance club/vidalia: Axis is inspired. Vidalia is not.
28) Trueblood Season One and Two box set: Trueblood started this week! And the older seasons will be good watching for Trish when she’s on Chemo. Trish and I would fight even more viciously over Alexander Skarsgård. You all better hope he doesn’t get anywhere near either of us.
30) Personal trainer for me: On the surface this seems more for me than Trish. I’m in good shape even without deliberate exercise, but 40 is still 40 and my girlish figure won’t hold out forever.
And if she’s putting so much effort into living a long life, I can do it too. Plus exercise helps reduce my stress and anxiety, so this is actually a pretty good surprise.
Related posts:
I’m grateful to you for sharing the dark emotional impact of cancer (and any other illness, for that matter). It DOES fuck with emotion and it can be hard to forgive ourselves and each other!
I know exactly what you’re talking about but never could have articulated so well. Thank you and warm, loving vibes your way.
Julie
David,
I’ve known a couple men who were caregivers for their wives fighting the same fight as you. None of them could come close in comparison to the love and support that every thing you say and do provides for Trish and your family. It’s not that they don’t want to be that great caregiver, it’s that they don’t know how. You are truly a one of a kind, amazing person. I know that Trish knows how lucky she is. Please give her my love.
V
I have been quietly following your struggles here for the past few weeks, having been led here from another gaming site that did a write up about the Pink for Tink event in WAR.
Every week I check back to see how Trish is doing, and how you are coping with everything. I have to tell you, the things I read here are absolutely amazing. I quite literally tear up in my office at the sweetness, care and thought that you have given everything and at Trish’s braveness. The two of you are so lucky to have each other. (And your girls are absolutely adorable).
I was saddend a little bit today to see that there were some downs, and I hope that you both hang in there! I have no advice to offer, and I cannot pretend to understand what you are both going through, but I hope it puts a little cheer in your step to know that someone accross the country is rooting for you both. Hang in there! :)
From reading your blog before the cancer recurrence, your life and family sounded pretty darn awesome (hell, I can’t even plan a family camping trip…to the Santa Cruz mountains 45 minutes away!). Don’t forget you’ll get back to that awesomeness, all together and stronger for it.
And now for a 20-second cute overload:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Otc_T3u1uY
HANG IN THERE!
I thought of you guys today when I saw this…
http://failblog.org/2010/06/22/epic-fail-photos-acrobat-fail/
Hope things are going as well for Tink as they possibly can :)
Hang in there!
Zak
Dave-
This entry made me ache for you and I’ve been trying to think about what to say. My first thought was, when someone asks if things are ok, be honest. If they really want to know, they’ll listen. If they are saying it to be polite, they won’t ask again!
The things you’ve done for Trish are so sweet and thoughtful. It sounds like you are a wonderful caregiver. But, you can’t run on empty so keep doing those things for yourself.
As to Trish, who I’ve never met, she sounds like me. I broke my leg right before I had my first child. I was insistent on doing things for myself. I crawled up the stairs to our house (never could master crutches and stairs) and across out kitchen floor crying rather than feel helpless and let my husband help me. I’ve gotten better, but I can understand Trish’s need to maybe lash out. Try to separate her feelings about cancer from you. From all the posts and pictures, you look like a happy couple and you’ll get through this.
And if it is any help, you and Trish have been in my thoughts a lot the last few weeks.